Mom.com

Not to brag, but I have well over 2 friends.  We don’t always see each other, or talk, but damned if I don’t get tagged in a dozen or more Facebook posts per day. So there you have it.

It’s not easy to make friends once you’re a mom, especially a working mom, double especially a working mom over the age of faux 29. That’s why I got this brilliant idea for a Mom Friend Dating App. Like Tinder, but for coffee and commiseration instead of dirty sex.

Here’s a sample profile:

1. Number of children:

a) 1-3

b) 4+

c) religious

 

2. Pets:

a) sadly, yes.

b) hell no

c) I’m a weirdo who says things like “fur babies”

 

3. Work

a) outside the home (I have to wear pants)

b) I’m the stay at home, volunteer-type (I choose to wear pants)

c) Trophy Wife (no pants)

 

4. Thoughts on GMOs:

(this is a trick question. If you think about GMOs with any regularity, we will never be friends)

 

5. You come to my house and it is messy:

a) and?

b) there is no b

 

6. Can I Yell At Your Kids?

a) my children are special snowflakes and can do no wrong

b) OMG yes please, I’m fucking exhausted

 

7. Tell me about your car:

a) minivan clean

b) minivan with goldfish dust and lollipops stuck to shit

c) other but only because the minivan died

 

8. Coffee:

a) Dunkin’

b) Starbucks

c) Wawa

d) FUCK YES

 

9. Want to hang out:

a) yes, but I won’t

b) yes, but I can’t

c) yes (but then when the time comes I will realize that I can’t)

 

10. What are you wearing:

a) yoga pants

b) sweat pants

c) jeans but they’re stretchy and/or old, I have never put them in the dryer, and I plan to change into yoga pants or sweats at the first opportunity

d) anything else please stop here

 

11. Maybe We Should Meet For Brunch:

a) OMG yes!!! That would be so much fun! Let’s get Mimosas!

b) Brunch isn’t a thing

 

12. Are You Involved In Some Kind Of Multi-Level Marketing That Would Make It Appear That You Want To Be Friends And Then You Invite Me To A “Party” And I Get Coverage At Work But You Are Trying To Get Me To Buy Something At Your House Like Maybe Crystal Jewelry Or Protein Shakes:

a) Of course not! That’s so shitty!

b) But you have to come! It will be so fun! There will be sangria!!!

 

13. Hobbies:

a) Regular (workout, shopping, Netflix, maybe a book here and there)

b) The Pinterest Type (run)

c) Religious (this could include CrossFit)

 

Essay Question:

Do I look Like I’ve Gained Weight?

 

 

 

 

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