Not to brag, but I have well over 2 friends. We don’t always see each other, or talk, but damned if I don’t get tagged in a dozen or more Facebook posts per day. So there you have it.
It’s not easy to make friends once you’re a mom, especially a working mom, double especially a working mom over the age of faux 29. That’s why I got this brilliant idea for a Mom Friend Dating App. Like Tinder, but for coffee and commiseration instead of dirty sex.
Here’s a sample profile:
1. Number of children:
a) sadly, yes.
b) hell no
c) I’m a weirdo who says things like “fur babies”
a) outside the home (I have to wear pants)
b) I’m the stay at home, volunteer-type (I choose to wear pants)
c) Trophy Wife (no pants)
4. Thoughts on GMOs:
(this is a trick question. If you think about GMOs with any regularity, we will never be friends)
5. You come to my house and it is messy:
b) there is no b
6. Can I Yell At Your Kids?
a) my children are special snowflakes and can do no wrong
b) OMG yes please, I’m fucking exhausted
7. Tell me about your car:
a) minivan clean
b) minivan with goldfish dust and lollipops stuck to shit
c) other but only because the minivan died
d) FUCK YES
9. Want to hang out:
a) yes, but I won’t
b) yes, but I can’t
c) yes (but then when the time comes I will realize that I can’t)
10. What are you wearing:
a) yoga pants
b) sweat pants
c) jeans but they’re stretchy and/or old, I have never put them in the dryer, and I plan to change into yoga pants or sweats at the first opportunity
d) anything else please stop here
11. Maybe We Should Meet For Brunch:
a) OMG yes!!! That would be so much fun! Let’s get Mimosas!
b) Brunch isn’t a thing
12. Are You Involved In Some Kind Of Multi-Level Marketing That Would Make It Appear That You Want To Be Friends And Then You Invite Me To A “Party” And I Get Coverage At Work But You Are Trying To Get Me To Buy Something At Your House Like Maybe Crystal Jewelry Or Protein Shakes:
a) Of course not! That’s so shitty!
b) But you have to come! It will be so fun! There will be sangria!!!
a) Regular (workout, shopping, Netflix, maybe a book here and there)
b) The Pinterest Type (run)
c) Religious (this could include CrossFit)
Do I look Like I’ve Gained Weight?