Sometimes I think about having another baby. I don’t necessarily want another baby. I feel like my family is finally complete, and I don’t feel any of the maniacal urgency that I felt getting to this point.
Maybe it’s not that I want another baby, it’s just that I want my babies to be babies again. Although, that’s not entirely true, either. My kids are super fun, and babies are, if memory serves, no fun.
Do I want to feel the excitement of pregnancy one last time? The excitement, the swelling, the indigestion, the inevitable pain of childbirth….
Perhaps it’s that feeling of possibility, the sensation of unlimited potential that every new life brings. But my kids have already exceeded every hopeful expectation I’ve ever had. They have shown me that my wildest dreams weren’t wild enough. They took my deepest desires and my loftiest prayers and blew the roof off of those motherfuckers. I could not ask for more.
What is it then? Why do I sometimes secretly fantasize about a surprise pregnancy, one more trip to the well?
If I’m really honest, it’s probably about me. Surprise, surprise.
It probably has more to do with the fact that I am getting older, and with that comes the acceptance that a certain stage of my life is over. It’s my fault; I blinked. I think I might be trying to convince myself that a new baby can somehow “reset the clock”. After all, I am not a blushing bride anymore, or a new mom, or really a new anything for that matter. I’ve been here before. A few times I’ve been around this track. This is my circus, those are my monkeys.
And it frightens me to see how dizzyingly, heart stoppingly fast the last 10 years have flown past me. What does that say about the next 10 years? And the 10 after that? I don’t think they even make enough babies to delude me into feeling young for that long!
Come to think of it, maybe feeling settled is better than feeling young. Maybe thinking about where you’re going is better when you know how far you’ve come. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been ours. We bootstrapped this bitch. This time, this place that we’ve worked our asses off to get to, this is the good stuff.
I like to mess around with my husband (he’s a baseball guy) and tell him, “C’mon, honey! We’ve taken BP, we’ve fouled a couple off, let’s see if we can hit one out of the park this time!” But I know I’ m just talking shit. I’m good with the lineup in its present form. No trades, no drafts, no retirements. Spring training is over, no spring chickens here. We’re deep into regular season now and I’m just going to keep playing for the love of the game.